Ow! My Dick! I quit.\n\n\nMISSION FAILED\nYOU DID NOT BECOME THE FAMOUS\nRETURN TO [[Start]]
Oh yeah, then SEE DEEZ NUTZ\n\nWait. No, let me ask again but answer different this time.\n\n[[PUNCH COBRA IN DICK]]\nanswer [[CDs]]
Wow, that was easy. Somebody heard our demo and decided to put us on a bill. Wow! I sure am glad this is due to talent and not because I blew the promoter! \n\nThe public broadcaster has offered to play our material during drivetime radio! All we have to do is pay them a $3000 promotion gratuity. No no, not a fee, it would be illegal for a state broadcaster to accept bribes...\n\nWhat do you think? Should we\n\n[[PAY THE BRIBE]]\n\nor\n\n[[TELL THEM TO FUCK OFF]]
Well, it's beem weeks and we've heard nothing. Maybe they used our tape as a surface to snort blow? I quit, screw this...\n\nMISSION FAILED\nCOBRA QUIT THE BAND \nYOU BECAME DEPRESSED, DEVELOPED AN ALCOHOL ADDICTION AND DIED UNDER A BRIDGE\nRETURN TO [[Start]]
Do you ever think we might be wasting our lives doing this? No, not weed - music. Maybe we should accept that only a lucky, connected few will ever make the big time and go get real jobs?\n\nPSYCHE! Let's go [[GET BEER]]
Congratulations! I see you've decided to enter the magical world of semi-professional music! I'm COBRA, your lead singer - I'll be guiding you. So what are you waiting for? Time to obtain your first instrument so we can get our first gig! Think of all the cool parties we'll have...\n\nPurchase [[REASONABLY PRICED GUITAR]]\n\nBlow all your money on [[FANCY NEW GUITAR]]\n\nPurchase [[BASS]]\n\n
Wow, this sure does sound like shit. Don't you know any chords? RANDALL, you told us you could drum. I don't even know if this constitutes music. \n\nSo where should we play our first gig?\n\nchoose [[SHITTY LOCAL TAVERN]]\n\nchoose [[CAFE]]
Sweet guitar, moneybags! Did your mother buy it as a substitute for her affection? Nah, I'm joking, but man you look like an idiot with a $4000 guitar that you can't play. Shouldn't you get some lessons? I never needed lessons because my talent is innate, like all lead singers!\n\n\npay for [[GUITAR LESSONS]]\n\nsmoke weed and [[WATCH CARTOONS]]\n
Dude, I played our demo to the manager and he chased me out the place with a brick. I hear the SHITTY LOCAL TAVERN has an open mic night where we can play for free!\n\nchoose [[SHITTY LOCAL TAVERN]]
It's 4am and we haven't recorded a single successful take of a single song. The sound engineer has asked us to fuck off so he can re-record our parts.\n\nGood job team, time to release our big debut! But first, should we find a BASS PLAYER? I know a guy who's about to be fired from his band, but he doesn't know that. Maybe we should go check out his style at their next LOCAL GIG?\n\n[[RELEASE DEMO]]\n\n[[LOCAL GIG]]
You play the DIVE BAR gig, managing to only screw up 40 per cent of your set. Nice work!\n\nA girlfriend of one of the other bands posts videos of you on her social media. It gains traction, because COBRA has evidently pissed himself onstage. Your band is now a viral sensation and suddenly DOOSH RECORDS are interested.\n\nA representative of DOOSH RECORDS calls you and arranges a meeting. Having signed a deal, you record your first major album.\n\nAfter sufficent bribes have been paid, a world tour is scheduled. You become an adored, vaunted superstar - the voice of a generation. But your fame detaches you from your old life, and the weight of touring, recording and bribery fees have left you in debt. \n\nDepressed, you shoot heroin until you [[OVERDOSE AND DIE]].
After a single lesson your feeble hands burn with pain, you have achieved nothing and you feel week. Women openly mock you as you exit the dwelling of YOUR TUTOR. You are faced with the stark reality that learning to play guitar takes more than 30 minutes. While walking home - defeated, you encounter your bandmate COBRA and his friend RANDALL, who owns a drumset. \n\nCOBRA gives you an ultimatum - "Commit or it aint shit". You go home to decide your fate, alone.\n\nclick here to [[QUIT GUITAR LESSONS FOREVER]]\n\nclick here to [[ATTEND ANOTHER LESSON]]
Yeah, these are the good drugs. Oh boy am I very high. Do you want to be cool, man? Do the drugs with us.\n\n[[DO DRUGS]]
Good work, it should only take us a week or two to get famous now that we have one whole song online! Should we just release the full demo for free? If we value our work at $0, others are sure to see it as worth paying for! \n\n[[RELEASE DEMO]]\n\n[[TELL COBRA TO SHUT THE FUCK UP]]
Good idea, let's make sure the people who control the industry hate us from the get go! I guess we're stuck with the self-promotion route now... One of us should [[ACTIVATE SOCIAL MEDIA ACCOUNTS]] so we can be heard by like, people. Do you know how to use computers? My parents don't let me use a PC?\n\nclick here to [[TELL COBRA TO SHUT THE FUCK UP]]\nclick here to [[PUNCH COBRA IN DICK]]
Hey asshole, maybe you should go see that band with the BASS PLAYER we wanted to poach or consider HIRING A RECORDING STUDIO so we can get super famous. \n\nIf you go to the gig, don't look at his nose. He's weird about his nose.\n\nAttend [[LOCAL GIG]]\n\n[[HIRE A RECORDING STUDIO]]\n\n[[KEEP SMOKING WEED]]
Thanks dude, cigarettes help me enjoy weed more so I can be creative - I'll have lyrics for a whole song soon! I know a guy who plays drums. Well, he owns a drum kit. We should start a band with him. What do you think?\n\ntell COBRA to [[FUCK OFF]]\n\norganise the [[FIRST REHEARSAL]]
Hey, that was a great gig! Ww made $100! Sure, the guy who gave it to us was paying us to fuck off, but any cash is good cash, right? What should we do with our windfall? Perhaps we should buy some groceries this week so we don't have to raid the dumpster behind the supermarket? Or we could just buy some weed. A hundred bucks worth is almost enough to get us high...\n\n[[SMOKE SOME WEED AND CHILL]]\n\n[[PURCHASE GROCERIES]]\n\n[[GET BEER]]
These are great beers, very drunken. I pissed myself, it was awesome. But now we should buy some drugs from my dealer. We can consume the drugs there too, because his customer service is excellent.\n\npurchase [[DRUGS]]
Awesome, now you're a creative. All real artists do drugs. What should we do with our newfound creative inspiration?\n\n[[WRITE A SONG]]\n\n[[REHERSAL]]\n\n[[DO MORE DRUGS]]
Lame! Are you even trying? You won't get any chicks with that crappy thing, everyone knows there's a direct correlation between expense and talent. Whatever, I guess you better learn how to play it...\n\npay for [[GUITAR LESSONS]]\n\nsmoke weed and [[WATCH CARTOONS]]\n\n
What are we, Kardashians? We're a rock band, man! Promoting your work is selling out, don't you know? Hey, why don't we just [[SMOKE SOME WEED AND CHILL]]?\n\nOkay, okay. If you insist, I guess we can post a few photos online. Or maybe we should, like, put our music on there?\n\n[[POST MUSIC ONLINE]]\n\n[[ATTEND PHOTOGRAPHY SESSION]]
What? How could you sleep off this adrenaline rush? There were literally TENS of people out there tonight! I'm pumped, let's go and PARTY HARD by purchasing illegal DRUGS.\n\nGo to DEALER and purchase [[DRUGS]]
Hey man, can I like, bum a cigarette off you? Haha, the talking dog on this CARTOON is funny. He smokes weed too!\n\ngive COBRA a [[CIGARETTE]]\n\ntell COBRA to [[FUCK OFF]]
Sorry, BASS is not a real INSTRUMENT. Please select an INSTRUMENT\n\nPurchase [[REASONABLY PRICED GUITAR]]\n\nBlow all your money on [[FANCY NEW GUITAR]]
MISSION PASSED! CONGRATULATIONS, YOU BECAME AN GENIUS\n\nreturn to [[Start]]
CONGRATULATIONS! By attending a second lesson, you have unlocked the skill GUITAR. Howver, your formidable talents make it impossible to relate to any musicians so you are forced to continue to collaborate with your atonal friend COBRA.\n\nAfter smoking some of your weed, COBRA suggests forming a band with his friend RANDALL and asks you to attend a FIRST REHEARSAL\n\nattend [[FIRST REHEARSAL]]\n\npurchase [[DRUGS]] to deal with crippling isolation from musical community\n\n
MANAGER of OTHER DIVE BAR informs you that he has decided to cancel your gig in favour of a bingo night for the local football club. He is nice enough to inform you 4 hours before the show was scheduled.\n\nHowever, the other show at DIVE BAR is still available. You choose to do the gig because, well, what the fuck else have you got going for you?\n\nPLAY GIG AT [[DIVE BAR]]
Oh. Well that's unfortunate, because tapes are making a major comeback and I think we should sell copies of our demo on tape. It's all retro and chic now.\n\nWhat the fuck? Why would I say "See These Nuts"? Why would I show you my balls? Setup for a joke? Dude, you're weird.\n\n[[RELEASE TAPES]]\n\n[[PUNCH COBRA IN DICK]]
Good choice dude, who needs to know all that book nerd shit like chords and beat? It's all jargon, you're just a natural like me! Let's start a band with my friend RANDALL, we can rehearse in his grandma's basement!\n\norganise the [[FIRST REHEARSAL]]
PSYCHE! Let's get some beer.\n\n[[GET BEER]]\n\n[[PUNCH COBRA IN DICK]]
It sure does smell like vomit in here. It was really nice of the bar manager to let us bring all our friends to their establishment, I bet they usually have loads of paying customers. Oh sorry, the guy said he couldn't pay us. So like, what should we do now that the gig is over and we're awake at midnight on a thursday?\n\npurchase [[DRUGS]]\n\npurchase [[BEERS]]\n\ntake your equipment home and [[GO TO SLEEP]]
Hey man, I have like, a party to go to so I can't attend the next three rehearsals. Maybe you should go check out that local band with the BASS PLAYER we were going to poach. He said he's interested. If he asks about a record deal, play along...\n\nAttend [[LOCAL GIG]]\n[[SMOKE WEED]]\n
Um, can I borrow beer money dude?\n\n[[LEND MONEY TO COBRA\n]]\n[[TELL COBRA TO SHUT THE FUCK UP]]
Your ears ring and your head hurts. The sound engineer is a deaf 60 year old so the mix is entirely comprised of KICK DRUM and BASS GUITAR. You spill your beer on BASS PLAYER'S girlfriend, and security keeps hassling you. After your second $25 beer you are broke.\n\nAfter the gig, you introduce yourself to BASS PLAYER. His name is ROOSTER, and he collects millipedes. He agrees to attend a rehearsal with your band, but you are increasingly concerned that his habit of doing and asking for cocaine will be a nuisance.\n\nYou decline to give him a cigarette when you remember that you hate him, and you are now forced to choose between [[SMOKE SOME WEED AND CHILL]] with COBRA and RANDALL or [[PUNCH COBRA IN DICK]] for wasting your time.
"Yeah, actually this is like, payback for that money you owe me."\n\nUpon further reflection, you remember that you have never owed money to cobra and that he is an asshole, so you weigh your options\n\n[[TELL COBRA TO SHUT THE FUCK UP]]\n[[PUNCH COBRA IN DICK]]
Wow, these photos sure do look like crap. I'm sure glad we paid that wedding photographer $200 for an hour. I suppose we better post them on our webpages? \n\nSo you prefer [[TAPES]] or [[CDs]]?
Ha! You think anyone is going to lend us three grand? We don't even have enough money to buy the correct bus tickets! I think we should do some self promotion, here are our options;\n\n[[ACTIVATE SOCIAL MEDIA ACCOUNTS]]\n\n[[GO BUSKING]]\n\n[[SMOKE SOME WEED AND CHILL]]
MISSION FAILED\nYOU DIED FROM A WEED OVERDOSE\nCOBRA AND DEALER SOLD YOUR ORGANS\nYOU DID NOT FAMOUS\nRETURN TO [[Start]]
Woah, easy there scarface - save some of that for me. Why don't you get off your ass and practice? We sounded like crap tonight and we just stood around for 40 minutes because we only have one song. Hey, can I borrow some money for rent? My parents say it's time to pay up...\n\n[[WRITE A SONG]]\n\n[[REHERSAL]]\n\n[[TELL COBRA TO SHUT THE FUCK UP]]\n\n
Oh man, I don't write my lyrics down! What's that? Sheet Music? What the fuck is that? Hey RANDALL, play that one part again. No no, not like that, the other way...\n\nThis demo sounds terrible, let's release it anyway. What do you think?\n\n"Yes, [[RELEASE DEMO]]"\n"No, let's [[HIRE A RECORDING STUDIO]] so we don't sound like idiots"
No, screw you. Anyway, do you prefer tapes or CDs?\n\nanswer [[TAPES]]\nanswer [[CDs]]
This is great! The hiss and sibilance created by the tape helps hide how devoid of talent and creativity we are! Let's mail a tape to a record company or management concern. The only problem is that we can only afford one envelope and postage stamp. Which record company should we send our tape to?\n\n[[DOOSH RECORDS]]\n\n[[COKEHEAD MANAGEMENT]]
Yeah, you're right dude, I should be on my way. My parents don't like it when I get home too late. Like, what the fuck! I'm 32 years old, know what I mean... But I know a guy who plays drums. Well, he owns a drum kit. We should start a band with him. What do you think?\n\n"I like your style, organise the [[FIRST REHEARSAL]]"
It worked! The COKEHEAD MANAGER wants to come see our next show, do we have any booked? No? That makes sense, we're all lazy and not very good at music. Where should we play?\n\n[[DIVE BAR]]\n[[OTHER DIVE BAR]]